The Fog: Birth of a New Life

"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for." Anon

The time has come. The moment you have been waiting for has arrived. You've been ticking off the weeks, days and hours, counting the minutes between contractions - or you've found yourself in theatre gear - ready to meet your baby. In one moment, your baby is still enveloped in the darkness within; the next moment, it is subjected to 100% sensory saturation. You breathe a sigh of relief; feel emotion encircle that moment in time. It is a moment that is forever imprinted in your mind. A flood of complex thoughts, feelings and emotions; coupled with a sense of completion mixed with the start of something new. It's not just your baby who is experiencing a new life: the entity of you as a family unit are a new life in which you are to move forwards together, feeling your way as you go. 

The following hours are filled with love, tears, euphoria, laughter, relief, pain, stress, sleep-deprivation, exhaustion, phone calls, text messages, visitors, medical intervention in one form or another... the fog of new parenthood is slowly descending around the new family. Gradually, it seems, the old life has faded away, and been replaced with something unknown, something new, awkward and a little-bit-massively scary. This fog has the ability to bend time, where two hours can feel like a day ago; it can change thought processes, where a seemingly simple decision (jam or marmite on your toast? Tea or coffee?) can feel like a confusing moment when the answer isn't as clear-cut as it could be. The fog sucks every aspect of life into a twisted, dense cloud of matter and emotion, to be cleared momentarily, only to build up again as soon as a challenge presents itself. Every decision suddenly feels like a huge responsibility, and is daunting even for the most practically-minded, clear-thinking, confident person. 

So much emphasis is based on the moments leading up to the birth, partly because it is almost indescribable to someone who has not stepped into the fog of brand-new parenthood. All that can be done is to read, educate and inform ourselves in whatever way suits us - be it through literature, through antenatal classes, television or through our family and peers - to prepare ourselves for parenthood. I've heard women say, "Why did nobody tell me how difficult this was going to be?" For me, my inward answer is, "because it's too difficult for us to hear before we've been through it". For many, just getting through the labour safely and holding their baby is as far as the mind is willing to travel. 

So many of us feel we have failed in some way: Either related to the labour; or feeding; or not changing a dirty nappy "quickly enough"'; or responding to a cry; or leaving the baby too long/not long enough between feeds; or sleeping through a feed;not realising the baby is hot/cold; or not being able to get dressed for an entire day because of a fractious, crying baby; or not getting out of the house all day because frankly, you're too tired, still in your pyjamas, or you think you look terrible; or because every time you put your baby down to go to have a shower they start to cry and so you have to go through the entire feed/shhh/nappy change/singing routine without wanting to cry, yourself - in the hope that at some point between now and your baby's first birthday, you'll get to have a shower, and brush your teeth. 

I personally find it hard to ask family and friends for help unless I have a problem. I'm hardwired to get things done no matter what. I don't see asking for help as a weakness, I see conducting my life without help as the norm. But that's me, and I can't change that, even if it isn't the easiest way of doing things. I hated the thought of anyone other than my husband being around in those early days where we were able to bond together as a family, and treasure those moments quietly, without fuss, scrutiny or judgement. Having had two caesareans, I found it highly irritating and frustrating that I couldn't "get on" with things - having to rest was hard, but it is what I needed, and what my babies needed. Here is an interesting article about how mothers are cared for in non-Western cultures, after birth.

I believe that the gentlest way of getting through the first days after birth, is to put no expectations on yourself, your baby or your partner. Live moment to moment. Sleep whenever you can - even if you feel you want to carry on - force yourself to sit or lie down and close your eyes. Eat well, drink plenty of water, indulge yourself with something that gives you a feeling of well-being, remind yourself how amazing your body is to have grown, carried and delivered a baby. If things aren't going according to plan, surround yourself with the support you need to overcome any difficulties. Remember that your hormones are going through highs and lows, and that by day three or four, you'll possibly be experiencing euphoria and sleep deprivation in combination with some stress; and possibly trauma of your birth experience; all in combination with the sudden realisation that you've hit the ground running.

But in my opinion, the best gift a prospective parent can give themselves, is kindness. Kindness for themselves, and their partner. It is this kindness that will nurture you in those early days and weeks after the birth of your baby. The kindness of remembering that you don't know what you don't know; so how can you get things right straight away? Your baby can only cry to let you know that something isn't right - even the baby doesn't know what it actually is that doesn't feel right - so how can you, as a brand new parent, expertly identify what that need is? 

The kindness of recognising your limitations - and your success - and allowing yourself to take things moment by moment. 

The kindness of knowing that things will change. You will get to a point when the fog will start to lift, the tiredness will ease, the confidence will build, and you will look back on those early days with wizened eyes. 

Sleep...precious sleep

"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one" - Leo J. Burke

If I were to have another baby, I wouldn't stress about sleep. I wouldn't worry that they would cry each time I tried to put them down in their cot. I wouldn't frustrate myself or my baby by spending an hour at a time trying to teach them to go to sleep on their own. It was all a waste of time and energy.

I wouldn't worry, because I wouldn't expect them to go to sleep all by themselves, I wouldn't spend ages trying to teach them to lie in a cot and go to sleep. I remember what those early days are like: an hour spent feeding, followed by trying to transfer a sleepy/asleep baby from my warm arms, into a cold cot, then leave them alone, only to feel the despair when, just as I sit down to eat my dinner (which has gone cold), the baby wakes and the whole process is started all over again. This was a common theme with both of our children, to the point where we wondered whether they had an inbuilt mealtime detector that alarmed just as the first mouthful was about to be devoured. 

The reason I wouldn't worry, is because I would do things differently. When my daughter was born, she slept in a cot in her room. In the middle of the night, when she woke for a feed, I would go into her room, feed her (feeling cold and shivery), then spend ages putting her in her cot and trying to get her to go back to sleep. We would take turns at the 3am baby-calming routine. Sometimes, I would bring her to our bed, feed her, fall asleep, then wake up and put her back into her cot, at which point she would wake up for a feed or cry for a cuddle and the reassurance that we were there for her. It was stressful, hard work for all of us, and I look back on those nights with a sense of guilt that I didn't take her cues, choosing instead to "fit" her into our way of doing things. 

With my son, I started off in a similar way. The problem with him, though is that he had oesophageal reflux, so whenever I laid him down, he would scream. I would pick him up again to soothe him. I tried to find ways of propping up his cot to tilt the head end, but it didn't make any difference. In the end, all I could do was to feed him, then keep him upright on his front on my chest, and wait for him to settle. He would cry, throw up, have more milk, doze, then wake up for more milk. The night time feeds became a routine of sitting upright in bed, which ended up being nearly all night, because that was the only way I could keep him comfortable. It took its toll on my spine, though, and I was having a terrible night's sleep. Putting him in his cot was impossible to do for a night: he would spend only a couple of hours each evening in it.  

Then I heard about co-sleeping at my breastfeeding support group. At first I was worried about it. I didn't trust myself to roll onto him in the night, or that it would risk him being suffocated. However, I soon realised that we got more sleep throughout the nights, because he was in our bed, and could be easily breastfed without the rigmarole of getting up, feeding, settling, and going back to bed, again. 

There are benefits to co-sleeping with breastfed babies. Please click here to find out about safety guidelines and considerations if you are thinking about co-sleeping. Co-sleeping is used to describe your baby sleeping in the same room as you, as well as in the same bed. Co-sleeping is different to bed-sharing, where the baby sleeps with the mother in the same bed.

It is easier to breastfeed if your baby is next to you. Crucially, the hormone prolactin, which stimulates milk cells to produce milk, is released in higher levels at night. This means your baby is getting more milk if it feeds overnight, and it helps to establish and maintain milk supply. This is why it is important to feed your baby at night, rather than try to leave them to sleep. Breastfeeding at night is easier if the mother and baby are bed-sharing.

Frequent feeding at night also helps to ease and treat engorgement, which can lead to blocked ducts and mastitis. Our bodies are designed to feed our babies around the clock, not just during the daytime, and the fact that prolactin is higher at night is evidence of our biological need to feed during nocturnal hours.

Babies who bed-share have a lighter sleep pattern, meaning they are less likely to go into a deeper sleep where they may have pauses in their breathing (apnoea). This is thought to be one reason why SIDS is lower in breastfed babies who co-sleep with their parents. Also, mums who bed-share and breastfeed have a lighter sleeping pattern, too, so are more aware of what their baby is doing, even if they're not consciously aware of it. Interestingly, there is no such lighter variation in sleeping patterns for mums who do not breastfeed but do bed-share with their baby.

The baby will have the benefit of skin-to-skin contact, which has many benefits. One such benefit is the way in which the baby's temperature is regulated. The body temperature of the mum will vary to ensure that her baby's temperature remains safe and within normal limits - so if a baby is too warm, its mum's body temperature will cool until the baby's temperature comes down. Conversely, if the baby is too cold, its mum's body temperature will rise. Babies also regulate their breathing with their mum's. Isn't this amazing?!

Bed-sharing allows the baby to feel safe and protected, which has a positive effect on their psychological well-being, bonding, and physical needs.

There are safety factors to take into account if you decide to bed-share with your baby.

Mums who are bottle feeding should not share a bed with their child. Partners, siblings and other care-givers are not as sensitive to the sleeping patterns of the baby, so should not sleep with the baby in the middle of the bed, but at the mother's side.

Don't over-dress your baby - dress them in the same number of layers that you're wearing - to prevent them overheating. Keep their head uncovered, and make sure that pillows are kept away from the baby.

Make sure your mattress is firm and flat. If you can, get a queen or king-sized bed. 

Sleep with the bed against a wall so that the baby cannot fall out or get stuck.

Don't bed-share if you or your partner smokes, or if either of you have been drinking alcohol, taking any drugs or medication that can make you drowsy.

Here is some reassurance if you think your baby should be sleeping through the night.

We still have nocturnal visits from our 3 year-old. He climbs in, settles down, and goes back to sleep. We are often joined by our daughter in the early hours of the morning, too. It's all fine until the bickering starts, or worse, if one of them decides they'd like us to read to them, at which point it's common to get jabbed in the eye by a tumbling picture book at 6.30. But at least we're all warm, and it's actually lovely to have cuddles with them - we know it won't last much longer before they'll grow out of it!